The Established Path of Discipleship

Where does sanctification happen? It happens in relationships as we interact with the unique web of people God puts in our lives. Our webs of relationships are often complicated, messy, and painful, yet they are where God does his sanctifying work in us. This is especially true in marriage, where God desires to paint a picture of his relationship with the church through two sinful people (Eph. 5:25-33).

First and foremost, let’s be clear. It is the Holy Spirit who sanctifies us. We do not achieve sanctification through our own efforts. The Holy Spirit is the one who works within us, producing obedience. Yes, we are active participants in this process; we are the ones who obey. We are the ones who put the deeds of the flesh to death, but we do so ‘by the Spirit’ (Rom. 8:13). Without the Holy Spirit, there would be no mortification of sin or fruit of obedience.

Two questions help me clarify what God wants to work in and through my marriage: 1. How can I best love my wife this day? 2. Is this important? The first question relates to the law of God. Jesus commands us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves in Matthew 22:39. The law does not sanctify us, but the law is our guide, showing us how to enjoy our lives as children of God. Since my capacity for figuring out how to love my wife is often blinded by my sin, I ask God to show me how to love my wife daily. God graciously answers this prayer and shows me concrete ways to love her.

The second question relates to conflict. Conflict is inevitable, but it does not have to be destructive. Conflict is when we can learn more about our spouse and thus grow in intimacy. Whenever conflict, be it minor or significant, arises, I try to ask myself, “Is this important?” Do I want to die on the hill of what restaurant we eat at tonight? Do I want to crush my wife’s feelings over some minor detail she got wrong in a story? Do I need to stew in irritation as my wife reacts to my driving and gives me directions to places I’ve driven to multiple times? Significant conflicts will arise that we must discuss considerately and candidly. Still, most of the time, many things are not that important. Don’t waste your breath or energy on those minor issues.

The cornerstone of my marriage is to love my wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). The first question I always ask myself is: How can I best love my wife today? This question influences the second: Is this important? Often, the best way to love her is by not making a big deal out of a sharp word spoken in frustration. Then, something beautiful and mysterious happens. As the Holy Spirit works in my wife, sanctifying her, she responds in kind. As God sanctifies us, we display love towards each other in a way we could not before.

As you navigate your marriage relationship, remember these two questions:

1. How can I best love my wife or husband today?
2. When conflict arises, ask yourself, “Is this important?”

But perhaps the most important thing to remember is this: God’s Spirit is at work in your marriage, painting a beautiful portrait of his relationship with His church for the watching world to see.